The View From the Ground

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The View From the Ground

By Patrick J. Shanahan

Simplify, Simplify

Now that Labor Day has passed and summer is fading as fast as Grandma waving goodbye in the rear view mirror, it is time for the political silly season to commence. As usual, the primary intent of all national politicians over the next two months will be to do everything possible to obscure from the voters what they actually believe in, stand for, or plan to accomplish once elected. They will turn to the wizards of the spin and the polls and the media blitz, never once letting down their guard long enough to allow we mere citizens to understand who they are.

In theory, party platforms are supposed to fill this void. They are intended to be statements of belief, policy and ideals that guide the parties’ messages and actions. This, of course, is a fantasy. Today’s platforms serve the dual purpose of throwing bones to favored interest groups while maintaining a degree of blandness designed to avoid scaring off even the meekest of middle-of-the-roaders.

As a public service, I would like to cut through the syrup and doubletalk and recast the major party platforms. It is my sincere belief that one can capture more about what the parties believe in a few short sentences than in a month of debates or sterile speeches.

The Democratic Party Platform (revised)

"We the Democratic Party hold the following beliefs to be our core guiding principles and beliefs:

The American people are stupid. Incredibly stupid. They cannot be trusted to make the right decisions on anything, be it to spend their own money, to arrange for their own healthcare, to safely use firearms, or to practice tolerance and compassion. It is the goal of the Democratic Party to prevent the American people from making bad decisions resulting from their stupidity.

The leaders of the Democratic Party are smart. Incredibly smart. We know the right answers, and you had better just shut up and let us make the right decisions on your behalf.

We, The Democratic Party, (ironically) do not trust the democratic process. We will take advantage of every possible opportunity to take power out of the hands of the people and of their representatives, and place it into the hands of unelected bureaucrats and judges.

The American people are best viewed as helpless children, incapable of solving their own problems or taking care of themselves. It is our duty to shield them from every ill, real or imagined, created by racists, sexists, homophobes, polluters, Big Oil, Big Tobacco, guns, the Boy Scouts, fraternities, SUVs, testosterone and Bill Gates.

If elected, we will amend the Declaration of Independence as follows: ‘…and among these are the right to Life, Liberty, The pursuit of Happiness, and Abortion.’ "

Pretty much everything the Democrats will propose fits into one of these planks. I think truth in advertising demands that they post this revised platform on their website.

What about the Republicans? How’s this for starters:

The Republican Party Platform (revised)

"We, the Republican Party, hold the following to be our core principles (we think):

We believe the American people have the right to keep more of their own income and make their own decisions, but we will immediately back off of actually doing anything about it as soon as the Media starts calling us names.

We promise to scale back the size of the increase in government, but promise to never fundamentally undo what the liberals have done before us. We believe that a sort of political stare decisis, a liberal "Brezhnev Doctrine", in which liberal "gains" will never be lost, is the key to our popularity and electability.

Although we say we trust the American people, we really don’t, because we are almost as smart as the Democrats. Therefore we will respond to Democratic initiatives by offering "less of the same". We will routinely cede the initiative to liberals and will allow them to set the terms of debate.

We believe in judicial restraint, but since jurists who believe in original intent are controversial, we will nominate tepid nobodies like Justice Souter.

If elected, we will amend the Declaration of Independence as follows: ‘…and among these are the right to Life, Liberty, and The pursuit of Happiness, for post-born and pre-born alike.’ "

Both parties claim the mantle of pragmatism, but it is clear from this exercise that the pattern of the past 70 years continues. Democrats control the debate and the direction of politics. They have the will to power based on a self-confidence bordering on arrogance. Republicans remain in the role of reactionary (in the best sense) pragmatists, seeking to control the damage but lacking the confidence to convert their wonderful ideas into reality.

Republicans live in mortal fear of being accused of "turning back the clock". They needn’t be. The clock currently reads 27:30. It has been fundamentally broken by liberal tinkering. The clock doesn’t need turning back, it needs fixing. It makes me sad that no one in this silly season has the guts to tell the American people that the clock is broken, or to take out our forefathers old but useful tools and fix the damn thing.